


Through the Dark Turns and Noise

by serohtonin



Series: The Long Grift [6]
Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Beards (Relationships), Closeted Character, Coming Out, Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-03-07
Packaged: 2018-05-25 06:09:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6183718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serohtonin/pseuds/serohtonin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darren and Chris continue forging a romantic relationship during their post-Glee lives. But will Darren’s missteps and personal struggles tear them apart?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Through the Dark Turns and Noise

**Author's Note:**

> Set from October to December 2015. Title taken from a lyric in ["Wicked Little Town"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0icXWqPC9Q) from Hedwig and the Angry Inch.  
> Disclaimer: I don’t claim any of the relationships depicted herein or the description of Darren’s sexuality to be the truth. Though this is based on real events and real people, the plotline is completely fictitious. I also don’t own the rights to anything or anyone mentioned in this fic.

Darren blinks awake and rubs at his eyes, the light beaming in through his window too brightly and his head throbbing after a night that he can barely remember. Though it’s been a couple of weeks since Elsie Fest, he returned to New York to properly thank some of the volunteers and vendors, which of course involved more than a few drinks. He remembers plenty of conversations filled with laughter and then scrolling through his phone on the car ride home but all the details remain blurry. It’s his phone that’s incessantly vibrating now, reminding him of the world outside of his bed.

Fortunately, it’s from someone whose call he actually wants to take. A smile lights up his face as he answers, turning to his side but still lying on his pillow.

“Chris, hey. Missed you.”

 _“Yeah. What else is new?”_ He laughs.

“You missed me too, right?”

_“You know I have. It’s been almost a month, Dare. I just--I was wondering if you were okay.”_

Darren’s eyebrows draw together in confusion. “‘Course I am. I mean, I’m a bit hungover from getting wasted last night. Other than that I’m fine, especially now that I have you, babe. Wish you were here though.”

Chris sighs on the other end. _“Do you really?”_

“Yeah. What’s going on?”

_“Remember how you made that alternate Twitter account one night just for fun?”_

He thinks back to earlier in the year when they were still on set, delirious from filming in a cramped makeshift elevator for hours on end: 

_Darren looked through his Twitter mentions between takes and noticed several speculations about his and Chris’ offscreen relationship, which were hardly news to him. It felt strange to think that the ones like,_ “OMG have you ever seen Darren’s hearteyes?? They’re totes together!!!” _weren’t far from the truth. However the reality wasn’t as simple as the fans made it out to be._

_They had been hooking up on and off for a few years by then. They let their complicated relationship lie in emotional limbo for so long but Darren knew he was going to break it off soon. After all, he was leaving for an extended engagement on Broadway in New York. He hadn’t admitted his true feelings and he probably never would. He couldn’t commit to really being with Chris the way he needed so he decided that he would finally set them both free from this back and forth for good._

_Still Darren laughed as he silently read the tweet._

_“What’s got you all smiley over there?” Chris wondered as he moved behind Darren and looked over his shoulder. “Oh, I see.”_

_Darren glanced over at Chris. “What if I favorited one of these?”_

_Chris’ steely blue eyes gazed back at him pointedly. “Have you gone insane? Don’t you remember that’s exactly what you shouldn’t be doing?”_

_“I do a lot of things that I shouldn’t do, Chris. I live on the fucking edge, man,” he tried playfully._

_Chris touched his hand gently. “Please. Don’t. I--Just don’t, okay?”_

_Darren swallowed and shivered, the emotions from filming Kurt and Blaine’s tentative reunion of sorts boiling to the surface. He could never help refusing anything from that pleading voice. Still, he was independent and had to learn to survive without that voice or touch. So he settled on a compromise._

_“Fine. If you’re that uncomfortable, how about I just make a separate account and favorite it from there? I'll make up some dumb username and shit. Then bam, I’ll be done.”_

_“That’s an awful lot of effort for a tweet.”_

_“Maybe I want to do it. Maybe it’s important to me.”_

_The statement slipped out of Darren’s mouth by accident but he didn’t take it back; whatever would happen after this, he knew that he meant it._

_Chris blinked at him, his eyes momentarily flickering to Darren’s lips. “Okay. But don’t blame me if your people find out and you get reamed.”_

_Darren nudged Chris’ elbow playfully before signing out of his account and creating a new one. “It’ll be okay, Chris. I got this.”_

_Chris shot him a look of disbelief and retreated to his mark. “Sure you do. Until you don’t.”_

_Darren scoffed at him and liked the tweet. “Well, like many things, the damage is done.”_

_He signed out of his mock account and back into his real one, while he cursed his inner hopeless romantic for giving mixed signals to a man he knew that he was going to hurt._

_Still, he had jobs to do, here on set and on Broadway, so he shut off his phone and let it go as the camera began to roll once more._

Darren returns back to present day, where Chris waits for an answer. “Why are you asking me about that stupid account?”

_“Because it was active again last night.”_

He quickly recalls that some of his phone activities involved Twitter and he smacks his forehead.

“Oh shit. I was so fucking drunk. I must have signed into it. I don’t know how I even remembered the password.”

_“Well you did. You liked a tweet that claimed we might be together and speculated that you might be coming out one day. Some of them were actually under your name and some were from that dumb account. Have you lost your mind?”_

Suddenly Darren remembers a little more: liking a throwback picture of he and Chris together and one that questioned what would come out first, Darren or his album. The first one made his heart clench, reminding him when he could openly show affection for Chris and not worry about the consequences as much as he has to now. Although they’ve grown closer since then, it didn’t stop Chris from refusing to attend Elsie Fest for fear of what it might look like to everyone else. Darren agreed with him but the situation still pissed him off and cut him so deeply that maybe he never quite forgave Chris for it (he liked the second tweet out of spite and because he was tired of hiding the truth).

“I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe I was just really fucking sad that you bailed when you were supposed to support me but I still didn’t want to pretend for another second that I wasn’t yours.”

The other end goes quiet for so long that Darren thinks Chris has hung up but then Chris speaks.

_“I told you I was sorry about that. You know that I did what I had to do. It was too risky for me to--”_

“To what?” Darren cuts him off, anger boiling to the surface again. “Show up and fucking act like you care? When I wrapped Hedwig, I missed you and I--I came clean about loving you. I finally made a place for you and I wanted us to be different. I wanted to make amends for screwing up all these years and leaving you behind. Instead you’re leaving me.”

_“You’re overreacting. I’m not leaving you. I love you, Darren, but the circumstances are still the same. You can’t just change paths overnight. We’ve talked about this.”_

“But what if I did change, Chris? What then?”

_“What do you mean?”_

“We could still keep the exact nature of our relationship private but maybe we could be seen together more. Like you could come to one of my shows or when I’m in L.A. we could actually go out to lunch together. Let everyone else speculate like they always have.”

_“That’s too dangerous and you know it. Have you told anyone about this plan? Do they even know that we’re together?”_

“I--I haven’t brought it up yet but I’m sure--”

_“Then how do you know they’ll go for it?”_

“They’re my people. They have to do what I say.”

_“You and I both know that you’d feel awful for playing a power trip on them. Besides, you’re forgetting something that got us into this predicament in the first place.”_

“What?”

_“You let everyone think you were straight for years, including me.”_

“Now you’re putting words in my mouth. I never gave you or anyone a definition. I wasn’t into labels, for myself or for us, but I think the fact that I’ve sucked your dick would prove that I’m pretty flexible.”

_“That didn’t stop you from spouting the party line when your people fed it to whatever talk show host interviewed you. It didn’t stop you from walking away and pretending that we were nothing more than fuck buddies. You ran off like you always do.”_

“So that’s what this is really about? After everything we’ve been through over the past few months, you think I’m going to abandon you? That I can’t commit? Don’t you trust me?”

 _“I--I don’t know,”_ Chris responds in lieu of answering his questions. _“But it was a nice cover to contradict yourself and like a tweet that denied we were real.”_

“So you don’t trust me. I was drunk and stupid, like always. I thought by now you knew the truth. I wouldn’t have put my fucking heart on the line for nothing. It’s not a game, not between us.”

_“That’s news to me because you’ve always been good at playing me, sweetheart.”_

Darren knows Chris isn’t wrong. He lied to himself for years before he realized how deep his feelings had run; he thought it would be better for the both of them if their relationship stayed casual. Besides, he never deliberately manipulated Chris into believing they would last forever. Though as he looks back, he realizes now how he could have been unclear enough to keep Chris coming back for more, with soft touches and lingering gazes both in and out of the bedroom. 

Chris acted the same way too, pulling away from him when the sparks between them ignited so brightly that they couldn’t handle it anymore. Yet neither of them could stay away for very long because when they fell apart, they always seemed to fall back together. Now that they’re stronger than ever and Darren no longer wants to deny him, maybe Chris wants to goad Darren into leaving him again.

With this in mind, Darren finally replies, “Sure, bring up how horrible I was to you in the past as soon as shit gets real but it takes two, Chris. We weren’t exactly faithful to each other but I always loved you, even when you couldn’t see it. God, even when I couldn’t see it. I’m not backing out ever again. Are you?” 

Chris swallows. _“No. I’ve wanted you as long as I can remember and I don’t want to leave. You being an idiot doesn’t make this easier on either of us though.”_

“I know but I’m still your idiot, right?”

Chris laughs sweetly in Darren’s ear and he wishes that they could curl up in bed together right now.

_“Yeah, I guess so. You are smart enough to figure a way out of this. I--I believe in you. It’s the rest of this whole screwed up situation that’s still impossible to wrap my head around.”_

“Thanks, I think. Just remember that what we have is the only real thing about any of this. You’re what I want to fight for. That’s why I did what I did last night. Sure, it was childish but it was the only power I had for anyone to realize who I really am and how important you are to me. So for one selfish moment, I liked some tweets that may have implied a truth that neither of us can deal with yet. But I do want to deal with it one day, okay?”

 _“Damn it, Darren.”_ Chris curses but without any sign of malice.

“What did I do this time?”

_“Nothing. I--I love you. That’s all. And I’m sticking around, no matter what happens.”_

“Good. I love you too. That’s more than I could ever hope for.”

Given what Darren will have to deal with soon, he’s going to need all the love and support that Chris can give him because there are greater repercussions for his behavior.

\----

When Darren’s people discover what he did, they temporarily ban him from his own social media accounts for a few weeks, save for the strict supervision of tweets promoting upcoming professional events. They also spread the rumor that the account created by Darren is actually the work of an overzealous Internet troll who supports Chris and Darren’s relationship despite the lack of one existing.

Darren brings up the possibility of that fan being close to the truth but his publicist tells him it would be a horrible idea to suggest that he and Chris are anything more than acquaintances or good friends at best. He would completely destroy the brand he’s created as that straight dude who’s also “down with the Gays.” If he were actually gay, bisexual, queer or ‘experimenting’ as his PR had phrased it, there could be a backlash within his heterosexual female fan base and within the LGBT sect, resulting in both factions turning their back on him. He thinks it’s all bullshit, especially the latter, knowing from experience that at whatever age someone has come out, the community has always accepted them for living their truth when they were ready and safe to do so. As for the former, why would he want fair weather fans who will only love him if they’re granted the illusion of fucking him?

Sex sells, they say, arguing that no out and proud homo ever garnered highly sought after leading man roles. If Darren stays with his girlfriend, or at least pretends to be with her, he can keep playing the straight heartthrob on screen as well. 

When Darren returns to Los Angeles for the week to record a few songs and film a small role in American Horror Story, he spends time with Chris and doesn’t mention any of this newfound information. He doesn’t bring up going out anywhere with Chris either and Chris strangely doesn’t ask about it. Instead Darren enjoys the stolen moments late at night in Chris’ bed when work is done; sometimes they lazily get each each other off but other times they simply drift off to sleep. It’s comforting to have a place where his heart and his body can truly rest.

As for the public part of Darren’s life, he grins and bears it, showing up with the girl beside him occasionally for meaningless events that his people demand he go to. But he refuses to do it when he’s performing a reading of a play by the less than straight playwright Oscar Wilde for charity.

He ignores the onslaught of texts from his publicist, who is still trying convince him to bring his beard to the show even as he arrives at the rehearsal the night before the stage performance. He turns his phone to silent and focuses on watching the wonderful actors involved. He’s ready to read his part, a high-end male escort who testifies that he was with Wilde and other men, but before that happens, everyone decides to take a break.

It briefly allows Darren to contemplate why anyone on his team let him do this part given the recent controversy. However he supposes he convinced them that he could perfect his British accent and after all, it is supporting charity. He’s so lost in thought that he barely notices the nudge to his shoulder from a familiar face.

“Darren! Hey! Long time, no see!” The man exclaims.

He looks up to find David Burtka smiling at him.

Darren laughs, remembering how he had last seen him at the wrap party for the end of “Hedwig” almost three weeks ago. “I know, right, man? It’s been forever. Here we are again.”

“I don’t mean to interrupt whatever process you’re getting into, fellow thespian, but um, I was just thinking that you left that party pretty abruptly and we didn’t really get a chance to catch up at all.” 

He also remembers how that was the last time that Chris was in New York at his apartment and he couldn’t wait to get back to him. His stomach turned at the secret he carried and in a way, Chris is still waiting on him, even now.

Darren adjusts his glasses nervously though they’re nowhere near off center. “That is very true. I had to jet early though. I’m a busy man, David. I’m sure you can relate.”

“Kind of. I have work, a husband, and kids. I’m not exactly busy in the same way you are.” He chuckles. “But I was in my twenties once. I know why you’d leave a party early, if you catch my drift. Honestly, I still head out for that reason sometimes.” He raises his eyebrows. “But these days, mostly it’s so I can actually get some shut eye.”

“Ahh, sleep. What a novel, elusive concept. It was sort of the former reason.” Darren blushes and looks away for moment, Chris’ apologetic bedroom eyes from that night flooding his vision for a second. Then they’re gone.

“Say no more. Like I said, been there, done that, when things were new and we couldn’t get enough of each other. I don’t think we could spend more than five minutes apart. It’s an exciting time, believe me.”

Though there were orgasms, Darren and Chris’ reunion that night was anything but exciting, filled with heavy promises that Chris had later broken. Darren doesn’t want to blame Chris for that, not anymore. Maybe one day he wants the life that David has, settled somewhere with Chris, safe and free. He tentatively smiles at the thought, hoping that they’ll get there.

“Yeah, it is.” Darren turns his body toward David and leans in closer. “Can I ask you something? It’s kind of personal if you don’t mind.”

“That depends, but I’m pretty much an open book so shoot.”

“In the beginning of your relationship, did you, um, did you ever think that you’d have what you have now?”

David studies him for a minute and considers the question. “When we first met, no. But then it grew to where I knew he was the one that I wanted to build a life with. I couldn’t picture anyone else filling that role. Is it perfect every day? Not in the slightest. Relationships take effort, of course, as you might know. But he’s it for me so I work at it. If you want it to last, that’s what you have to do. Is that the advice you were looking for?”

He knows now that he feels exactly the same about Chris, even with their tumultuous history and tenuous present. He won’t take Chris for granted ever again. They’re going to work out their problems and not bury them so they can create a more promising future. It seems that they’re heading in the right direction so far.

So Darren nods and finally answers, “Yeah, um, that helps, I think. But how do you survive having all that and being in this industry?”

“It’s not about surviving, Darren. It’s about living and not worrying too much about outside influences. You have to take care of yourself and your relationship before anyone else, before your career. You have to check your ego at the door when you come home at the end of the day and do what feels right to you. That’s how you make it. Moving away from Hollywood has probably been beneficial too.”

“I haven’t really settled in any one place yet. I’m sort of between coasts and all around the world but I see your point. Helps you focus on what’s important, right?”

“Exactly. You’ve got it.”

“I wish.” Darren laughs. “I’ve got a long way to go.”

“You’re young but you’ll figure it out. If you want to talk about it more, I’m willing to listen. I’m sure the hubby would be too.”

“I might just take you up on that one day. Thanks.”

“Any time.”

The director calls that it’s time to go back to rehearsal, bringing their conversation to an end and giving Darren plenty to think about.

He supposes he hasn’t taken care of himself in a long time, instead following the misguided advice of unsavory people and putting forth a false representation of who he is.

But he’s determined to change that.

He’s just waiting for the right moment.

\----

It doesn’t come during the performance of the play or while he’s staying in New York.

He needs more time or maybe more advice so he decides to talk to a very trusted source. When he’s back in his hometown to perform a show at a very famous theater and talk about his roots, he stops by a place that’s very appropriate to remind himself who he really is: his childhood home.

He has a nicely cooked dinner that fills him up in a way that not much else has lately and takes a seat on the couch of the family room, his mother happy to join him while his dad finishes cleaning up.

“How was the food, sweetheart?” His mother asks once she settles in her recliner.

“Amazing, as always. My compliments to the chef.” Darren pretends to tip an imaginary hat towards his mother.

“Thank you, dear, but you know your father had a hand in it as well.”

“Well, I’ll thank him later then. Y’know it’s been so good to be home. I wish I could stay longer but I have so much stuff planned. My calendar has been pretty full lately.”

“You never could stop moving, even as a kid. It doesn’t surprise me.” She laughs but then her tone turns serious. “But you should take a vacation and rest at some point.”

“That’s what I’m doing right now, Mama. I’m catching up with you and Dad with what little time I have.”

She raises an eyebrow at him. “That’s the thing, Darren. You really haven’t. You’ve barely spoken about anything besides that movie filming in Italy, which I’m sure was beautiful, and the craziness of that festival. Then there’s that show that you’re doing in a couple of days. But you haven’t mentioned how _you_ are.”

He looks away and fiddles with the sleeve of his long sleeve shirt, knowing that his mother has read right through him. “I, um, I’ve been busy.”

“You just said that.” She pauses and leans forward in her chair. “Look, I know you’re a grown man but I’m still your mother and I can still tell when you’re evading the subject.”

“I’m good, I swear.” He clears his throat and crosses his legs gingerly. “I’m nervous about the performance. That’s all.”

“Are you sure that’s what it is? You know you can tell me anything, sweetheart.”

He finally meets her kind, soulful brown eyes and he can’t lie. “No. No it’s not, Mama. I--I’m in love.”

“That’s wonderful. Why didn’t you bring her with you?”

Though he’s been infatuated with men at various times throughout his life, he never got serious enough with one to bring him home. He knows his mother won’t judge him but suddenly this moment seems so much bigger than when he imagined it.

“It’s not who you think,” he finally admits. “It’s--it’s Chris. Chris Colfer, from ‘Glee.’ I--I thought he was my friend but it turned out to be much more. I just figured it out pretty recently.”

She blinks for a second and then her eyes widen, but she quickly schools her face into a more solemn expression. “Well, it must be pretty serious for you to tell me about it. So why didn’t you bring him again?”

“He, um--I didn’t ask actually. How are you not more surprised about this?”

“You always were quite fond of him. I remember when we met him back at that movie premiere, you gushed about how amazing he was to work with and I swear you had this sparkle in your eye. I could see that there was something there that you weren’t telling me or your father.”

He beams, thinking back to that time, the summer of the concert tour where the tension had grown thick between he and Chris but neither of them had the time nor the courage to act. They had always been interrupted by their castmates, last minute tweaks to the show, or Chris himself would break the moment somehow. Darren knew then that it wasn’t merely their characters that had chemistry and that their relationship could grow. Darren had seen him with new eyes and couldn’t stop thinking about how it would feel to get closer to Chris. Though he didn’t have the opportunity until a few months later, his body thrummed with so much excitement over hanging out with Chris both on set and off, that he’s shocked he hadn’t realized the extent of his feelings sooner. Still, he keeps that and the rest of their complicated relationship to himself when he answers his mother.

“There wasn’t much to tell then, Mama. I wasn’t sure myself.”

“And now?”

“I’m so, so sure. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. He’s what I want.”

“Have you told him all this?”

“Yes, but it’s been trying. We’re both working and half the time we’re on separate coasts. I’m always traveling. I don’t know how to handle it but--but I really want to, Mama.” 

He’s not lying; that really is an issue but it’s not the main one that’s been plaguing them from the beginning. After all he’s revealed to his mother, he’s not sure he wants to bring up his existential crisis of how he’ll present himself to the world given his new relationship status.

“If it’s meant to work out, it will, Darren,” she assures him with a gentle smile. “Look how many years it’s been since then. You found your way back to him after all this time. That has to count for something.”

He uncrosses his legs and fidgets in his seat, knowing that he’s leaving out important information. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“What else is wrong, dear? I’ve made it clear that you have my blessing, regardless of how this goes. I’m sure your father will feel the same.”

“Oh, I know that. I’m incredibly grateful for your support but I don’t--I don’t know what I’m doing. It’s like I started on one path but my feelings for--for Chris lead me to another,” he explains vaguely. “Now I have to change my plans, which is fine. I mean, it’s going to be fine. I can adapt.”

“Is he expecting you to change?”

“No, I don’t think so. Besides, it’s for the better. He makes me better, Mama. I’m more myself when I’m with him.” He remembers a few weeks ago when he stayed in L.A. and shared a bed with Chris. Each night, like clockwork, he would shut off the light on the bedside table, turn toward Chris, and wrap an arm around him. Then Chris would clutch Darren’s wrist and sigh contentedly; before Darren fell asleep, his one last thought was _I’m home._

Darren instinctively pats the couch cushion next to him and realizes that he’s in San Francisco, not Los Angeles, and there’s no one next to him. Though a piece of his heart is here in this house where he grew up, the rest of it is there with Chris. Suddenly he regrets not bringing those two together so he can feel whole again and his mother will understand what he truly means.

At that, Darren finally looks up at her and finishes, “He’s where I’m supposed to be and I’m going to do whatever it takes to stay with him.”

She slowly rises from her chair and sits beside him. “Just remember what I always told you. Stay true to your heart and the rest will follow. As long as you do that, it will be okay.”

He nods and gives her a hug, pouring all his love into it and hoping her advice turns out to be true. 

\----

It doesn’t give him a plan for how to proceed right away but it does give him greater faith in his feelings. Soon after that, he contemplates more concrete steps for moving ahead in changing his image, contracts be damned. He could find a loophole, throw out subtle suggestions about men in general and maybe hint at the idea that he’s not as straight as he thought. It’s a precarious course of action but he’ll discuss it with Chris first before he does anything. He wants to at least show that he’s committed to this relationship and is willing to take a risk, even if it screws with his public persona. At least the result will be honesty.

He shoots off a quick text of _Miss you <3_ before he goes to bed and gets a simple reassuring text of _Same. Night._ He messages Chris again when he’s ready to go on stage at The Nourse, the hometown theater where he’ll play some songs and discuss his life and career in front of an audience. His hands shake a bit before the performance; though he hasn’t talked to his people or Chris extensively, he knows this is one of his chances to change. He’s not sure if he’s ready but his mother’s words about staying true to his heart ring in his head, along with the reply he gets from Chris while he’s in the wings alone waiting to go on:

_Miss you too, like crazy._

He beams and pockets his phone, right as Seth, the presenter, calls his name.

It’s a fun night, recalling high school and college memories. He even laughs at a slip of the tongue suggesting gayness when they eventually get around to his experience with “Glee.” In this context, it’s light enough to work and although he didn’t conspire with the interviewer, he’s glad for the fortunate turn. Of course after that, Darren can’t help mentioning Chris and what he now thinks of as their first date, even if their real romantic involvement began over a year later. He got to pick Chris’ brain to learn more about the show and give a better performance, which was great professionally. What he enjoyed even more, however, was getting to know Chris on a personal level. The man’s snark and wit shone through, along with that wonderful toothy smile that Darren would love to coax out of him. Looking back, the flicker of feelings started there, before the spark that ignited them took hold and never let go.

He’s thankful for it now that they’re together more permanently and as he wraps up the show, his heart soars at the thought of his--his _Chris._ The word boyfriend seems too trite but partner sounds like they work together on a business venture. Of course there will be the opportunity to be more than that one day, but his _Chris_ sounds like enough at this point. Since they’ve been more honest with each other about their feelings, they don’t need a clearer definition than that.

Maybe Darren needs a clearer definition of himself, however, because that might have been what that got them into this mess. He hates labels but for Chris, he’s willing to figure it out. He just needs the room to breathe and actually think without any influence.

\----

He goes back to Los Angeles to work on his music and see Chris, which grounds him and puts the world in perspective. He stays at the studio all day, strumming a guitar and stroking the ivories as tenderly as he’ll touch Chris later that night. When he's singing “Not Alone,” he thinks of those private moments in Chris’ bed and how nothing will keep him from loving Chris ever again. That’s who he is, a man in love, and he’s fine with whatever label people want to give him because of that. The only inherent fact is that he's not straight and that’s all he willing to admit. The people who are supposed to work for him will want to change that or bury it but for those who really care about his well-being, including Chris, he’s sure that they’ll accept him.

So when he’s lying in Chris’ bed, ready for sleep, Darren watches him strip down to his boxers and a short sleeve shirt and decides to broach the subject.

“Hey, babe?” Darren says casually while Chris is still turned away, standing by his dresser.

“What?”

“I love you.”

Chris turns his head, that soft, familiar grin appearing. “I love you too, Dare. You know that.”

“Yeah, but that’s all I know, Chris. I don’t know if I’m--whatever I am. I can’t give you a definition. I just know that you love me and I love you. Is that okay?”

Chris tilts his head sympathetically, his smile disappearing as he pads over to the bed and sits next to Darren. “Yeah, if it’s okay with you. I’ve always know what I was but I understand that it’s not as clear cut for you. It never had to be, you San Francisco flower child.”

Darren takes his hand and kisses it. “Cute. Y’know they did call me Daisy when I was younger. My boundaries were always different than yours.”

Chris chuckles wryly. “Yeah, you never had any. That was kind of terrifying to me but admittedly attractive in the beginning. You were like this infuriating puzzle that I couldn’t solve.”

“Mmm, I kind of felt the same,” he concedes, remembering how in those early days, Chris would gaze at him for several charged moments before Darren left his bed. But Chris didn’t say anything and acted like there was nothing going on between them when they were in public. Darren knows he wasn’t any better, letting their relationship lie in that nebulous state for years until he got his shit together. 

“But that was my fault and I’m sorry,” Darren adds. “What do you think now?”

“There’s still a bit of mystery since I’ve been getting to know you again in the past few months but I appreciate the honesty you’ve given me. You would have never told me stuff like this even a year ago. Instead you’d leave and make some charming excuse not to talk about things.”

“Well, I’m--I’m trying now, for you.”

Chris settles in, lying on his side and facing Darren. “You don’t have to do it for me. You have to do it for you. Do you want an identity, besides, um, the guy who loves me?”

They’re still holding hands and when Chris blushes, Darren can see the boy he fell for years ago and who will always have his heart.

“This is good,” Darren replies, rubbing his thumb along Chris’ hand. “I like this.”

“Good. I like it too.”

He seals it with a kiss, content for now in Chris’ orbit. When he leaves, he wishes to face the same positive outcome. However with the unknown lingering before him, he chooses to focus on the affection he so freely gives to Chris and the affection that Chris gives him. With every brush of his lips and fingers, he feels closer than he ever has to another human being; tears slip down his face at the thought of hiding this part of himself.

They’re naked, sweaty and the come is still drying on their sheets and bodies as Chris notices the wetness on Darren’s cheeks. “Honey, what’s wrong?” Chris asks, gently wiping at Darren’s cheeks with his thumb.

“Nothing. You’re really fucking special to me. That’s all.”

“You’re special to me, too, Daisy.” He winks.

Darren laughs. “God, you’re the best.”

“You better say that, especially now.”

Darren studies his face, the perfect picture of relaxation and bliss etched across his angelic features. He would be a lucky man if he were allowed to wake up to this for the rest of his life.

“You were always the best,” Darren answers. “Everyone deserves to know that.”

“Whoa, do you mean you’re going to brag about our sex life to some tabloid?” He teases, running his fingers down Darren’s chest. “Because if so--”

“No, but it’d be nice if some other people in our lives could know how important you are to me.” He leaves out how he’ll feel like less of a jerk if they’re not locked away all the time and he’s lying to almost everyone about who he is.

“What are you talking about?” 

“I--I told my mom about us. If anyone deserved to know the truth, it’s her. I imagine she told my dad by now.”

Chris’ eyes widen and his fingers halt their movement along Darren’s chest. “You--you did?”

Darren nods. “Yeah I had to. She said she kind of knew already, before I even, uh, consummated things with you. Guess I was really fucking obvious.”

“To everyone but me and yourself apparently. How’d she take it?”

“She already loves you. Duh. But she wants to meet you again. Maybe on her home turf, if that’s okay with you. She cooks a mean Thanksgiving dinner just so you know.”

Chris blanches. “I, um, I haven’t seen Hannah or my parents in so long. I was going to take a trip back there. They really miss me.”

“Then I’ll go with you. We can go see your parents and then mine the next day or something. I’m sure they won’t mind.”

Chris draws his hand away. “I don’t know. Isn’t it a little soon for that?”

“For traveling together and meeting the parents? We’ve done both. Are you in this or not?”

“Of course I am and I do want to be reintroduced to your parents eventually. I just don’t know if it’s the right time yet. You’re working on reinventing your image still, right?”

“Well, yeah, but I don’t--”

“If even one person sees us and tweets about us or something, it could be disastrous for you. You know they won’t let it go, especially if they’re fans. Think of the headline: “‘Former ‘Glee’ Stars Caught Canoodling; Guess Which One is Out of the Closet?’ It’s been less than a year, Dare. People have short memories but not that short.”

Darren giggles to cover his disappointment. “That’s the most salacious headline you can come up with off the top of your head? Canoodling? I’ll canoodle you right now.” He straddles Chris’ lap, their bare cocks brushing together. “As for the closet thing, I could spin, deny, or avoid. The options are endless.”

“Unhh, Dare. How can you be so cavalier? We have to be careful and realistic about this. How many times have I told you?”

Darren sighs and rests his forehead against Chris’. “Over and over. Probably more times than I can count.”

“I’m sorry. I want to protect this for a little longer. I’m trying to be smart about it.”

“Can we be stupid just for once?” Darren asks, his lips ghosting over Chris’ own.

“You drive a pretty hard argument but I, uh, I’m still not sure. Just not yet, okay? But not-not never.”

Darren pulls back to look at Chris, his eyes watery and his mouth forming a hard line. Darren pushes a stray strand of hair off of Chris’ forehead and cups his cheek.

“Babe, I’m sorry.” Darren apologizes for all he’s done that brought them here.

“It’s not all your fault but I’m sorry too. We can revisit the idea for Christmas maybe?” Chris suggests but his voice is flat and not very optimistic.

“Mmm, I can get with that or I can get with you.” Darren reaches down for Chris’ dick and wraps his hand around it.

“I’ll take the latter.” Chris groans.

Soon after, all conversation is forgotten in favor of Darren losing himself in Chris, like he always does when the weight of their lives becomes too heavy. He hates that an experience as mundane as Chris meeting his parents has to become a battlefield for his image and that it results in avoiding and compromising yet again. Still, when Chris spills over his hand and assures Darren that he loves him, he’s willing to wait until he’s safe enough to show his parents and the world exactly who he is. Chris waited for him after all and it will be so, so worth it.

\----

But first, they have to get there and Darren has to take action. 

He tells Chris his plan of slowly revealing his flexible sexuality in stages and maybe eventually planning to publicly cut ties with the girl. Chris supposes that it could work if he has his team’s okay or better yet, if he acquires a new team. Darren agrees with the former, not wanting to deal with the hassle of the latter.

Chris wishes him luck and kisses him at the doorway as he goes out for the day, though Darren can see the uncertainty in his eyes.

Fear rises in his gut, knowing he’s going to meet with his people soon and they might not agree with him.

It turns out they don’t and Darren tries not to look defeated when he greets Chris at home once more. He lets Chris strip him down and fuck him until he can’t think anymore. Then he goes to the studio in the morning and leaves without waking Chris.

His days continue like that until he has to leave the city for some charity event in Chicago and who knows what else after that. On the morning that Darren leaves, Chris asks what’s up but Darren assuages him with a kiss and a declaration of love, preferring not to mention his failed attempt at changing his image.

Instead he tries to have fun while supporting a good cause. Then he jets off to New York for star-studded parties which he attends for no other reason than to show his face and get drunk off his ass. He stares longingly at the actresses and models but of course he doesn’t touch. When a tall, handsome, chestnut haired man bumps into him, he relishes the contact, even if by accident and thinks of Chris. He goes home and jerks off, remembering the nights that Chris had spent in his bed not too long ago. For now, there’s not even the solace that he’ll be with Chris soon because he’s not sure when that might happen.

He lets the weeks fly by to Thanksgiving, where he’s back at his parents’ house, alone. When his mother asks about Chris, he tells her that Chris is with his family and regrets being unavailable. She smiles and tells him that’s too bad.

Darren gives her a forced smile in return, the anguish welling up inside him threatening to spill out. But he pushes it down for a little while, conversing with his parents, his sister-in-law Lucy and his brother Chuck. Then he sees Chuck and his wife playing with their one-year-old daughter, who’s crawling across the floor. Last Thanksgiving, she was a newborn but now she’s grown so much that she has her own distinct personality and voice. It’s amazing how far she’s come in the past year and how far she still has to go. He feels a little like that himself now that he’s in a serious relationship and truly coming to terms with his identity. Even as he nears thirty years old, he’s experiencing a rebirth of sorts.

He can’t wait to continue it.

\----

But he can’t deny that there are growing pains. Even if his older brother approves, his management still doesn’t. They make that very clear when they’re prepping him to attend Trevor Live, a charity event benefiting an organization for at risk LGBTQ youth, which Darren has staunchly supported in the past. They tell him that he can show up, walk the red carpet, maybe talk to some fans if there’s time, and stop for a quick interview. However, he must keep his answers limited and all-inclusive.

He’s down for supporting all gender and sexualities and doesn’t think he’ll get asked any specifics about himself. Still, this is another chance to further his own agenda or at least acknowledge how he’s helped young queer individuals by playing one himself. He doesn’t do either, though. Instead, he rambles on about how meaningful Blaine has been to so many people, regardless of the character’s sexuality. Then he bungles it again by saying The Trevor Project allows all individuals to know there is help and hope, though he knows full well that their specific goal is preventing LGBTQ youth suicides. He basically sticks to the script laid out for him, save for throwing in a last minute quote from Oscar Wilde about being yourself. He’s smiling as he says it but his whole body trembles and his gut twists at the irony of it.

He can’t believe he backpedaled out of his own plan because his stupid people told him he should continue hiding in plain sight at an event that would welcome his true sexuality. So he drinks and drinks until he can barely see straight and calls his driver to bring him home. He thinks of the soft smile gracing Chris’ mouth the last time they fell asleep beside each other and he feels sick with guilt for lying yet again.

When he safely makes it to his destination, he kicks his shoes and socks off, strips out of his fancy suit and has a couple more shots of whiskey to kill the pain. But it has the opposite effect, his stomach roiling as he barely makes it to the bathroom. He throws up in the toilet and then lays his head against the cold porcelain bowl, praying to pass out. After a while, he hears a faint buzzing and thinks it might be his head throbbing. He squeezes his eyes shut at the sound but it persists.

He gently lifts his head and spots his phone which is somehow lying on top of the sink. He curses whoever it could be but checks it anyway, a fresh wave of nausea hitting him when he’s steady enough to focus on the words. It’s a text message from Chris:

_Hey, heard you were in town tonight. Maybe you could stop by? It’s been too long. I miss you._

He puts his phone back down without replying, instead vomiting again and flushing it away. He curls up in a ball on the floor, tears falling of their own volition. He just wants to make this stop and he can’t bear to see the one person who can give him solace. 

In fact, looking Chris in the eyes would only make him feel even worse about what he’s done. He promised he would change and he’s barely lived up to that. Why should he be comforted? So he stays where he is, drifting off to a dreamless sleep where all this shit goes away.

He’s not sure how long it is until he startles awake with a sour taste in his mouth. He figures he should get up and brush his teeth so he grips the sink for leverage and carefully stands. He still has the toothbrush hanging from his mouth when his phone lights up, notifying him of a third missed call from Chris. He spits and runs the water, washing out the drain before he looks at himself in the mirror. His eyes are bloodshot and there’s drool dripping down his chin but he wipes it off and looks down at his phone again.

It’s time to come clean, even if it is 4:30 a.m.

Darren’s shoulders slump as he calls Chris and tells him, “I’m sorry. I messed up. I--I don’t know what to do.”

_“What happened?”_

“I fucked up. I had a chance and I fucked it up, like I always do. ‘M so sorry, baby.” He closes his eyes and hangs his head, waiting for a reprisal but instead he’s met with a long silence.

Then Chris finally speaks calmly. _“Darren, tell me what you did.”_

“‘M as queer as at least half the people that were--” Darren pauses to hiccup and then continues. “That were there and I--I stood by them and acted like I fucking wasn’t. I--I have loved you for so damn long. Your body, your heart, your--your everything, and I--I betrayed that, Chris. I betrayed myself. For what? For some manufactured version of myself that I don’t even like? It’s all bullshit.”

 _“What the hell did you do?”_ Chris’ voice rises, anger and disapproval clear in his tone.

Darren frowns and sniffles, attempting to hold it together enough to feign that he’s alright. “Nothin’. Nothing specific anyway. Like always. I--I’m a fucking fraud, Chris. I don’t understand how you could love me.”

_“What? What are you talking about?”_

“It’s stupid. I’m stupid. I can’t--I don’t--I don’t know, man. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. God, I’m so drunk.”

_“Maybe I should come over there.”_

“No. Don’t. I--You’re too good for me. You know that, right? You’re just out there, doing your thing, being yourself and I--I’m here, drunk off my ass ‘cause I can’t even stand up for myself. It’s like I have no fucking principles anymore. I used to be so open and honest and now I’m--’M trapped in this image and expect--expect--what other people want from me. I’d understand if you want out of this.”

_“Darren, I do love you and clearly you have more stuff to work out than I thought. But that's what matters right now, okay? That I love you and I don’t think you should be alone tonight, sweetheart.”_

Chris’ voice is gentle and surprisingly reassuring. But Darren needs it closer, needs to feel the vibrations of it like when he lays his head on Chris’ chest and they’re granted the opportunity to fall asleep together. He needs to know that Chris is really there.

“You’re right,” Darren concedes, letting out a harsh exhale. “Please come over.”

_“Alright. I’ll see you in a bit.”_

“Chris?”

_“Yeah?”_

“I love you too, a whole fucking lot. You’re all I want out of this mess.”

He hears a noise and can’t be certain whether it’s a laugh or a cry. _“Me too, Dare. Stay safe until I get there.”_

“I’ll try,” he manages and then hangs up the phone, wondering how tonight could have gone so wrong when it held so much potential. He could have taken control back from the people who have convinced him to be something he’s not. Instead he cowered yet again under the weight of it all. Maybe he can’t change.

He stands there in his bathroom, attempting not to collapse and carefully walks the short distance to the doorway. He pauses again, his chest heaving and considers turning back around to get sick in the sink. But then there’s a knock on his front door.

“Darren! Hey! Open up! It’s me.”

He recognizes Chris’ concerned voice, relief instantly flooding him, but he takes another step and the world goes black.

“It’s, uh, I’m pretty sure it’s unlocked,” he yells, clutching the doorframe.

The front door bursts open and clicks shut, Chris calling out to him.

“Where are you?”

“I--I’m in the bathroom. Well, sort of.”

“What? What do you mean?” Chris wonders, the sound of his voice getting louder with each word.

He stays still, his eyes closing as footsteps rush toward him. 

“Oh, oh my God!” Chris exclaims. “How much did you have to drink?”

“Don’t know. A few at the party.” He blinks and room is too bright, tilted on its axis. “Some more when I got home. Fuck. I’ve drank much more than that and I’ve been fine. ‘M fine.”

“According to our conversation earlier, you’re not fine. You don’t have to pretend with me, remember?”

He nods, Chris’ shoes coming into view when he looks down.

“Tell me you didn’t drive like this,” Chris scolds, resting a warm, soothing hand on the small of Darren’s back. 

“‘Course not. Had a driver. Duh.”

“So that gave you license to drink more?” He snaps.

“I just--I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I--I wanted to forget. I failed you.” His knees buckle but Chris is there, taking the hand from his back and draping it across his shoulders. “I failed myself.”

“Okay, let’s quit the pity party and head to bed, alright?”

“You’re not mad at me?”

“We can talk about how I feel after you get some sleep. You obviously beat yourself up enough, Darren.”

“Mhmm. Whiskey’s good for that. You should try it some time. Left it on the counter, I think.”

“Nope. That’s the last thing we need right now.” Chris chuckles wryly. “Can you walk a bit for me? Just to your bed, sweetie.”

Darren shakes his head and smiles weakly. “Can you carry me?”

“You know how I can never say no to you but I’m actually gonna need your help on this one. You’re not as tiny as you think.”

Darren frowns but walks away from the doorframe and into the hallway. “Jus’ want you to touch me more. You callin’ me fat?”

“Not at all. You’re very, very attractive the way you are and I’m glad I got to see you tonight, even if you’re a hot mess.”

“Emphasis on hot, right?”

“Always.”

They slowly walk down the hallway, Darren breathing easier than he has all night. Soon, Darren is deposited onto his bed, Chris standing above him.

Darren takes a moment to focus on his boyfriend (maybe he should get used to calling him that, even if he means so much more than just that simple word). Chris’ brow furrows but his eyes shine so bright and his pale skin practically glows in the dimly lit room.

“You look like an angel. My angel,” Darren murmurs, intertwining his fingers with Chris’.

Chris smirks and squeezes Darren’s hand. “You sure you only had alcohol?”

“Mhmm. I’m high on love, baby. ‘Cause you’re my boyfriend, even though I can’t tell anyone and I’m a jerk.”

Chris bends down to Darren’s level, still holding his hand. “You’re not a jerk and--Wait, what?”

“‘S what we are, right? Boyfriends?”

Chris pulls back a bit, a slow smile creeping across his lips. “Yeah, I suppose so, Dare. You’re certainly feeling better.”

“Yup, now that you’re here, boyfriend.”

Chris rolls his eyes and leans in. “Okay, Darren, we have a lot of things to discuss when you’re sober but I really want to kiss you right now.”

“So do it. ‘S cool. I brushed my teeth before you came.”

Darren’s lips ghost along Chris’ own. Then his free hand cups Chris’ cheek before kissing him properly on the mouth. Chris giggles into it and Darren can’t help smiling genuinely, bringing him impossibly closer until their chests press together. Chris’ heart thumps so fast against Darren’s, reminding him how real the feelings between them are. Maybe Darren made the right decision by lying tonight because he gets to protect this a little longer.

“Love you,” Darren repeats once they part. “Gonna love you forever.”

“Is that so?”

“Uh huh.”

“The feeling’s mutual. Now let’s get some sleep, okay?”

“As long as you’re next to me, Christopher Paul Colfer, my lovely, amazing, super understanding boyfriend. C’mere.”

Chris disappears from view for a moment and then the bed dips, a warm, welcome weight next to him. Darren curls around Chris’ side and tucks his head into Chris’ chest.

As they silently lay there, Chris wraps an arm around Darren’s shoulders and lightly kisses the top of his head. 

“Y’know if you’re not ready, don’t force it, Dare,” Chris quietly advises. “Not for me. Not for anyone but yourself.”

Darren nods but soon realizes that Chris can’t hear him. “Mhmm,” he mumbles, considering Chris’ words. Is he truly ready to live honestly and come out, regardless of Chris’ presence in his life? He wants to say yes, but there has to be a reason he didn’t do it tonight. However he’s too tired and comfortable to wrap his head around any of that.

All he knows is that he’s not letting Chris go and he’s at least one step closer to knowing who he is. He just needs the courage to admit the latter with the rest of the world watching. But for now, the world is his bed and Chris’ arms so he’s content to save that battle for another day.


End file.
